


When I Was With You I Could Breathe

by naturallesbain



Series: Surviving yet Falling (The War Series) [1]
Category: The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Dallas reflects on whats happened, Depression, M/M, he hates himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:27:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26763571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naturallesbain/pseuds/naturallesbain
Summary: What if Dallas lived after watching Johnny die? What goes through his head? This was a request for anon on my tumblr (naturallesbian).Please comment if you liked this story, a lot of writers struggle with continuing writing if they don't get any positive feedback. Yes, kudos count, but they don't show us which part you liked.
Relationships: Johnny Cade/Dallas Winston
Series: Surviving yet Falling (The War Series) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1964266
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

I didn't know how to breathe, my gasps, and the pain in my chest demanding more air but I couldn't comply fast enough. 

Johnny's gone. 

Johnny's gone. 

Johnny's gone. 

He was the only one I loved and he was gone now. I felt empty, sad, angry, all these different emotions that I couldn't yet name all swarmed around me as I processed the fact that Johnny's chest had in fact stopped rising thirty seconds ago and he was cold now. 

I finally noticed Ponyboy when I heard his choked sobs echo around the room. I wiped my own tears away and took ahold of him, crouching down to put my arm under his shoulders and haul him up so that we could leave. I needed to get him home. 

My breath was heavy as I practically carried the kid. It was obvious he was sick and I was doing as much as I could to support him as we walked through the bleak and bland hospital halls. I breathed in deep as we exited the hospital and walked through the parking lot, the cool air and rain still beating down on us like at the rumble. 

I put Ponyboy in the front passenger seat, debating about whether or not I should buckle him in like a kid when he reached around and grabbed it. His eyes were red and barely open, he glanced at me briefly before I shut the door and crossed in front of the car to get into the passenger seat. 

I was on autopilot now, my normally reckless driving calm to the point where I never crossed over the speed limit. I didn't know what I was gonna do now that Johnny's gone. 

As I pulled up next to the Curtis household, Ponyboy looked at me and said,

"You can't leave us, please don't go, we won't be able to handle it." 

I froze. Damn kid could read me like a book. 

"Aint leavin' anytime soon, now let's get ya inside, you're burnin' up," I replied to Ponyboy, but I don't know if I meant it. 

I had to nearly drag Ponyboy out of the car, his legs wobbling under him. The walk up the porch was slow, but for some reason, it was like I blinked and we were standing in front of the door. 

I pushed open the door, shoving Ponyboy inside first then following with my arms still around him, the door not wide enough for the both of us. Upon seeing his brother, Sodapop shot up from where he was sitting and took him in his arms, nodding a small thanks to me before carrying him to the room they both shared. 

"What's goin' on, Dal?" Darrel asked. I shoved my hands in my pockets, looking down at the floor to take a breath -but even that felt incomplete- before facing the gang. 

"Johnny's dead," The room went silent as the gang let the news sink in. The t.v. in the background the only thing breaking the silence. 

"Shit," Two-Bit responded. 

I felt like I was gonna cry. Hell, I wanted to cry. I wanted to curl in a ball and sob until I couldn't, let all the emotion that I've been avoiding for years out. 

Instead, I went to go check on Ponyboy, give Sodapop the news if he hadn't heard already, but before I could even enter, I heard Ponyboy's choked sobs echo through the room. My chest felt tight as I listened to the way his sobs gave way to coughs as Soda tried to console him, but that didn't seem to be working since Soda's voice was shaking, too. 

As I pushed open the door I made a promise to Ponyboy that I would stay here and protect him. We can't lose another person. 


	2. Friends aren't Friends, Friends are Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I cried when I told them about the friends that I made along the way and I cried while telling them that their dog tags are now hanging around my neck."

Dallas's POV

____

It had taken a while for us to get back to normal, the ever-present knowledge that Johnny wouldn't just walk through the door and greet everyone taking a stab to everyone's hearts. 

The funeral had been awful. Johnny's parents had shown up and we had to hold back Steve and Two from fighting them and cussing them out. It had been raining through the entire ceremony, the heavy pellets falling on our shoulders as we carried his coffin to the small place on the hill under the tree. It had been government provided, the six of us weren't able to get enough money and Johnny's parents never gave a crap about whether or not their son was taken care of. 

It had rained until Johnny's parents left and until we put him in the ground. 

Then the sun had come out, shining bright and beautiful, the light reflecting off of the raindrops on the grass making it seem like we were walking on glass; in some way we were. After we had lowered Johnny's body into the ground, the sun shone directly at us, as if it was Johnny telling us that 'It's gonna be okay, guys,' in the way he had said when he was still alive. 

Ponyboy had carved Johnny's name, date of birth, death, and his last words onto the cross the government had given us. 

March 1, 1949 - 1965

_"Stay Gold,"_

All of us cried. 

We cried to mourn the loss of the greatest guy we'd ever met, our friend, my lover, the kid's savior, we cried 'cause we knew that there wouldn't be another guy to replace Johnathan Estabon Cade.

___

It was over seven months since Johnny died. I was doing better, I had gotten a job at the DX, cleaned up my act, moved into an apartment near the cemetery, and I had started being nicer. I stopped fighting guys on the street 'cause Johnny didn't like me doin' that and I wanted him to be proud of me. 

I started prayin' every night that Johnny would be proud of me. 

I started hangin' around Ponyboy a lot more. He was smart, but he had gotten weaker over at Jay Mountain and had gotten even weaker after he got sick. He had lost a lot of weight and so we had to help him start gaining it back, which is harder then it sounded, but he did it. 

He had also started comin' home with fresh bruises after school, and when asked, he either shrugged it off or said he was doin' somethin' new in gym class. 

We all knew it was socs.

So I started hanging around him. Started teachin' him to fight and brought him to the DQ as I did with Johnny. 

It had lasted a while like this. But it changed once I got my draft letter for the Vietnam war. 

I sailed out nine months after Johnny's death. I fought so fuckin' hard over there just to get everything below my left knee blown off and a shot go to my right soldier. 

Fuck it, at least I got to go home. 

The first place I visited was Tim. He and I hadn't left on good terms but he was still a friend. When I visited him, it had been around two and a half years since I'd seen him, not counting the time I got my act together. 

Tim was excited, to say the least. He had tackled me in a hug and told me that "You're the craziest son of a bitch I know for comin' back like that." 

I laughed at his remarks about my bad shoulder and half a leg and went to the Curtis house. 

I had arrived soon after I left Tim's, looking through the window and seeing everybody sitting there. Steve, Soda, and Two were all playing cars and Darry and Pony were watching the news. I'm glad Darry and Pony are getting along. 

I knocked on the door, listening for the rhythmic thumps of Darrel's work boots make his way across the living room to open the door. 

When he opened the door, shock crossed his face before he enveloped me in a hug. I laughed before hugging him back. 

"Alright now, not so hard, ain't got a great leg ya know," I said with a smile while pulling back. He glanced down at my leg before stepping inside so that I could come in. 

I was swarmed with hugs before I could even think, each gang member telling me how much they missed me. 

"Well look at Mr horseman over here, huh. Man, you're already taller than me," I laughed out while looking at Ponyboy, who had grown a lot since I left. 

"Ya well, things change. Now tell us what the hell happened for you to get sent home, Dallas," Two said while lookin' at me. 

"Alright alright, lemme sit down, though," I said while making my way towards the couch.

I told them everything. From the threats to the bombs, the explosions, and the fighting. I told them everything. 

I cried while doing so. I cried when I told them about the friends that I made along the way and I cried while telling them that their dog tags are now hanging around my neck. 

__

We ended the evening by going to the cemetery, my bad leg slowing us down but the gang assured me that I was fine and we've got all night. 

I hobbled up that hill that seemed less steep than before and I kneeled in front of Johnny's grave and I smiled. I smiled because I knew that even though I fought and hurt people, he would still be proud of me because I fought for a good reason, I fought to keep our family together. 


End file.
